2/ I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
3/ It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
4/ The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
5/ Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
6/ At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of.
7/ The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
8/ Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.
9/ God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and ...
10/ then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
11/ 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
13/ The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
...True story from a retired dentist!
@Lonestar wow, my obsession compulsive disorder regarding turning everything off and unplugging just got ramped up. 🤯🤭🤕
1. Retired Dentist is FORTUNATE to be Alive. He tells stories very well with great descriptive humor.
2. Post #1 is not connected to the thread.
3. Thank you. 👍
@Lonestar COMEDY GOLD!!!
i’m glad to hear you made it Doc.
about the 3 things your body ain’t supposed to do at once, you ever had a proper bout of food poisoning? i had never done the 3 at once until i found myself residing on the toilet for hours with a 5gallon bucket in front of me.
@mastojohn - not MY story, but that of a retired dentist. And years ago, I caught something I've since referred to as the German Armored Virus that hit me like a Tiger Tank, and had me leaking from every orifice - at once. So, I felt SOME of this guy's pain!
ah, i see. well, thanks for posting the story, it was a good one.
that bout of food poisoning lasted 3 days. never had anything like it before or since.
the worst part is that i spent the morning getting 110+ cows into a corral.
the vet was coming after lunch and we were gonna run them through the chute and do some worming.
well, i went and got a plate of smoked ribs, baked beans and slaw and scarfed it down for lunch.
the vet got there on time but i didn’t last 20mins.
@HuntinHippy @mastojohn - thanks, but I didn't write that. It was written by a retired dentist - not me. it had me in stitches, so I wanted to share. someone told me that the 1st post in the thread was detached somehow. I explained that it wasn't my story in the first "toor" that was mysteriously detached.
Since it seems to be story time:
Or do you need a cure for whatever is ailing you?
I sure did this morning. Let me tell you about one of my hardest days ever!
I woke up at five thirty this morning with one of the worst headaches I’ve ever had. Now, I am not prone to getting these things, so when I do, it’s like I’ve died and gone to Hades!
2/ Naturally, I rolled my rollie-pollie butt out of bed, went to the bathroom (without turning on the light because I had no desire to awaken the demon sharing my bed for a little problem like the end of the world pounding around in my head) and tried to find the Tylenol and Motrin.
I guess my desire to keep from disturbing my better half went unappreciated, because I heard her stumbling around the room slamming things.
After digging through half the bathroom cabinets using only my IPhone flashlight for guidance, I found my savior medicine in plain view in front of me on the sink.
I had no problem with the Tylenol jar as the lid simply unscrewed like a normal cap. Yet the Motrin jar gave me a hard time. YOU try holding your cell phone flashlight in your mouth while looking for the little white arrows to line up the lid and bottle correctly to get the darn thing open,
with your head pounding and Satan’s newly awakened helper heading your way, I’ll bet you have a hard time too!
I must have paid the proper homage to the master of medicine, or contorted my body enough, because I finally heard that satisfying “Pop” indicating success.
I really think, by what happened next, that the Ibuprofen jar was simply trying to warn me off!
I dumped four thousand Ibuprofen pills into the same hand holding my two Tylenol capsules and then mistakenly dropped the Tylenol into the Ibuprofen jar while trying to narrow my selection down to four. If you don’t mind, I won’t mention the fifty pills I dropped into the sink – we’ll just keep that our little secret ok?
I was so tired I wanted to scream!
Finally gathering four 200mg Ibuprofen pills and two 500mg Tylenol capsules into my shaking hand, I quickly slammed all of them into my eager mouth and bent down to get a little water to wash them down with. You should know we have a double sink in our master bathroom, mine and hers. Well I am not sure whether what happened next was karma for putting my mouth on her faucet, for ignoring the Ibuprofen bottle’s warning,
or for waking sleeping demons, because I didn’t stand up to swallow the pills. I took a great big gulp of water while doubled over the sink. All but one pill made it through the correct passage into my stomach.
One Ibuprofen pill decided to get stuck in my throat.
Well the headache cure worked because I no longer had any thought of the pain and simply focused on the panic I felt at that moment.
I could breathe so I wasn’t worried about choking to death. Nope, my concern was that the pill would go down the airway into one of my lungs thereby causing a serious problem, or stay where it was lodged and cause some kind of acidic damage to my throat.
Demon lady came into the bathroom and switched on the light as I was spluttering and gagging to dislodge the stupid thing.
I know, you’re thinking “don’t worry, it’ll dissolve on its own” well it shows no inclination of doing
Google to the rescue right? Um ok – I read everything I could find on Google. Mostly it was Dr.’s and nurses saying it’s all in your head. It’s a “Phantom pill sensation” or “it scratched your throat on the way down”. Have you ever looked at an Ibuprofen pill? It’s round and very smooth – there is NO WAY it scratched anything on the way down.
The Google masters said “drink lots of fluid – it’ll dissolve” or “try a coke” (luckily I had a few of those lying around), “eat some bread” and “two teaspoons of olive oil will do the trick” “lie down flat and swallow water” “drink a milkshake” (right – like I have the ingredients for that! – NOT!) “gargle water” on and on and on.
I felt like a weirdo standing on my head hoping gravity would do the trick.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is now two thirty PM and the stupid thing is still there. It is a horrible feeling that I haven’t experienced since asking demon lady to marry me. Not sure I was more afraid that she’d say yes or no! Speaking of Demon lady, she called a little while ago and laughed at me saying it’s all in my head. Reminds me of when I told her morning sickness was all in HER head.
I really think she was getting even with me for laughing at her bad dream the other night. She was so freaked out she woke our son up at two thirty in the morning (on a school night) to make sure he was ok.
On the bright side, the headache IS gone! Unfortunately, now I have a pill stuck in my throat and am nauseous from all the crap I’ve been eating and drinking to dislodge the stupid thing.
Top it all off? I have a horrible gag reflex. Just gargling water makes me want to vomit and having this pill stuck where it is has been triggering the effect every couple of minutes. Guess who has to go to the grocery store in a few minutes to get groceries for dinner tonight? I wonder if the pharmacist will have any ideas. It can’t be any worse than Demon Lady laughing at me can it?
I’ll let you know what happens next (hopefully not from the Emergency Room or the funeral parlor!). This has been the worst day I’ve had in a long time!
Just for preventions sake: Stand up when taking pills, don’t take a bunch all at the same time, drink lots of fluids, and don’t listen to Google for medical advice. It’ll only scare you more or have you doing things you’d never dream of until getting a pill stuck in your throat!
But if you need to get rid of any kind of pain, simply follow my advice and smash your finger with a hammer. You’ll forget all about whatever was bothering you!
Update – the pharmacist was a really nice lady from Vietnam. After a few chuckles and diving for a garbage can when I started gagging again, she told me to eat a ball of rice, after all, it’s what she does when a fish bone gets stuck in her throat (her words not mine). I will need to find some way to add this little suggestion to those I found on Google!
After two days the thing finally disappeared – at least I haven’t had to gag in a couple of hours! Whew!
That was a true story to. A LITTLE embellishment, bloviating, or hyperbole. It could also be what my wife calls idiocy. YOU decide
@JJ @JM @Pissyfit @Lonestar
Im sure it did..understandably. A scary thought..One time my doxi got into my purse and dragged out a bottle of advil. i panicked,it was too late to call the vet,they were closed. I called the pet emergency place but by the time i reached them they told me making her vomit wouldnt help just stay with her and watch her.Bring her in if needed for 48 hrs. While doing that,i found the bottle,she didnt swallow any..she just wanted the bottle to play with,lol
Laughed until I couldn't breathe. Sorry. Not sorry.
Whew! You're blessed to still be alive!
My husband's uncle, who was an old time farmer and had an irregular heartbeat issue, used to go down to his electric fence and bite it... yes, bite it... To get his heart back in rhythm.😱 😉
@Lonestar I will never toot at you the same again! 🤪
Please read this thread.
I am hysterical here.
OMG, 😂😂 this is funniest thing I've read in years! Thank goodness you're basically ok, kinda. 😉 😮 😊 🤣
@Lonestar Great story and writing too. 😂
love this story 😂
Those who label words as violence do so with the sole purpose of justifying violence against words.