3/ It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
4/ The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
5/ Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
6/ At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of.
7/ The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
8/ Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.
9/ God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and ...
10/ then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
11/ 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
12/ 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
@Lonestar wow, my obsession compulsive disorder regarding turning everything off and unplugging just got ramped up. 🤯🤭🤕
1. Retired Dentist is FORTUNATE to be Alive. He tells stories very well with great descriptive humor.
2. Post #1 is not connected to the thread.
3. Thank you. 👍
@Lonestar COMEDY GOLD!!!
i’m glad to hear you made it Doc.
about the 3 things your body ain’t supposed to do at once, you ever had a proper bout of food poisoning? i had never done the 3 at once until i found myself residing on the toilet for hours with a 5gallon bucket in front of me.
@mastojohn - not MY story, but that of a retired dentist. And years ago, I caught something I've since referred to as the German Armored Virus that hit me like a Tiger Tank, and had me leaking from every orifice - at once. So, I felt SOME of this guy's pain!
ah, i see. well, thanks for posting the story, it was a good one.
that bout of food poisoning lasted 3 days. never had anything like it before or since.
the worst part is that i spent the morning getting 110+ cows into a corral.
the vet was coming after lunch and we were gonna run them through the chute and do some worming.
well, i went and got a plate of smoked ribs, baked beans and slaw and scarfed it down for lunch.
the vet got there on time but i didn’t last 20mins.
@HuntinHippy @mastojohn - thanks, but I didn't write that. It was written by a retired dentist - not me. it had me in stitches, so I wanted to share. someone told me that the 1st post in the thread was detached somehow. I explained that it wasn't my story in the first "toor" that was mysteriously detached.
Since it seems to be story time:
Or do you need a cure for whatever is ailing you?
I sure did this morning. Let me tell you about one of my hardest days ever!
I woke up at five thirty this morning with one of the worst headaches I’ve ever had. Now, I am not prone to getting these things, so when I do, it’s like I’ve died and gone to Hades!
2/ Naturally, I rolled my rollie-pollie butt out of bed, went to the bathroom (without turning on the light because I had no desire to awaken the demon sharing my bed for a little problem like the end of the world pounding around in my head) and tried to find the Tylenol and Motrin.
I guess my desire to keep from disturbing my better half went unappreciated, because I heard her stumbling around the room slamming things.
After digging through half the bathroom cabinets using only my IPhone flashlight for guidance, I found my savior medicine in plain view in front of me on the sink.
I had no problem with the Tylenol jar as the lid simply unscrewed like a normal cap. Yet the Motrin jar gave me a hard time. YOU try holding your cell phone flashlight in your mouth while looking for the little white arrows to line up the lid and bottle correctly to get the darn thing open,
with your head pounding and Satan’s newly awakened helper heading your way, I’ll bet you have a hard time too!
I must have paid the proper homage to the master of medicine, or contorted my body enough, because I finally heard that satisfying “Pop” indicating success.
I really think, by what happened next, that the Ibuprofen jar was simply trying to warn me off!
I dumped four thousand Ibuprofen pills into the same hand holding my two Tylenol capsules and then mistakenly dropped the Tylenol into the Ibuprofen jar while trying to narrow my selection down to four. If you don’t mind, I won’t mention the fifty pills I dropped into the sink – we’ll just keep that our little secret ok?
I was so tired I wanted to scream!
Finally gathering four 200mg Ibuprofen pills and two 500mg Tylenol capsules into my shaking hand, I quickly slammed all of them into my eager mouth and bent down to get a little water to wash them down with. You should know we have a double sink in our master bathroom, mine and hers. Well I am not sure whether what happened next was karma for putting my mouth on her faucet, for ignoring the Ibuprofen bottle’s warning,
or for waking sleeping demons, because I didn’t stand up to swallow the pills. I took a great big gulp of water while doubled over the sink. All but one pill made it through the correct passage into my stomach.
One Ibuprofen pill decided to get stuck in my throat.
Well the headache cure worked because I no longer had any thought of the pain and simply focused on the panic I felt at that moment.
I could breathe so I wasn’t worried about choking to death. Nope, my concern was that the pill would go down the airway into one of my lungs thereby causing a serious problem, or stay where it was lodged and cause some kind of acidic damage to my throat.
Demon lady came into the bathroom and switched on the light as I was spluttering and gagging to dislodge the stupid thing.
I know, you’re thinking “don’t worry, it’ll dissolve on its own” well it shows no inclination of doing
Google to the rescue right? Um ok – I read everything I could find on Google. Mostly it was Dr.’s and nurses saying it’s all in your head. It’s a “Phantom pill sensation” or “it scratched your throat on the way down”. Have you ever looked at an Ibuprofen pill? It’s round and very smooth – there is NO WAY it scratched anything on the way down.
Laughed until I couldn't breathe. Sorry. Not sorry.
Whew! You're blessed to still be alive!
My husband's uncle, who was an old time farmer and had an irregular heartbeat issue, used to go down to his electric fence and bite it... yes, bite it... To get his heart back in rhythm.😱 😉
@Lonestar I will never toot at you the same again! 🤪
Please read this thread.
I am hysterical here.
OMG, 😂😂 this is funniest thing I've read in years! Thank goodness you're basically ok, kinda. 😉 😮 😊 🤣
@Lonestar Great story and writing too. 😂
love this story 😂
@Lonestar No doubt it's apocryphal, BUTT it sure is hilarious.
@Lonestar I was pregnant and I’m telling you, you absolutely can. Don’t ask. Just trust me.
Those who label words as violence do so with the sole purpose of justifying violence against words.